Big Feelings & Boundaries
Imagine your child as an adult. He’s in a meeting, and things are not going his way. He feels himself growing angrier and angrier as the meeting marches on. What do you hope he will do?
I’m guessing you hope he will take a deep breath, center himself, and communicate clearly to solve the problem.
Similarly, imagine your child is married to the love of her life. She’s growing weary of the way he leaves dirty dishes all over the house. In an ideal world, how would you want her to solve this problem? Would you want her to use sarcasm, subtle jabs, and passive aggression? Would you want her to shove those feelings down and ignore them? Or would you want her to find a time to sit down and discuss her feelings?
Feelings are a natural part of being a human, even as adults. We all run into situations that make us feel sad, angry, irritated, hopeless, or heartbroken. We also experience joy, elation, happiness, and contentment.
One “feelings word” that gets tossed around a lot is self-regulation. Self-regulation is a widely misunderstood concept. People often think that self-regulation means calming down and suppressing any “negative” feelings.
Self-regulation is actually a complicated process with several steps:
You notice an unpleasant feeling.
You tune in to how the feeling is showing up in your body. Tight chest? Clenched fists? Tummy ache?
You allow the feeling and breathe into it.
You let the feeling give you information.
What do I need?
What is this teaching me?
You make an empowered choice about whether to express this feeling and how to express it responsibly.
Self-regulation is a great skill to have as an adult, whether the adult is in a meeting or in a marriage. But how does this relate to parenting your child today?
It’s important to know that children can only learn to regulate the feelings that they are allowed to have.
This means that your child will need to be allowed to feel angry, heartbroken, sad, frustrated, and irritated to learn to handle those feelings. Since their brains are still developing, they manage these feelings best with support from a safe adult.
When we allow our children to cry, express anger, and share their thoughts with us, we are sending these Hidden Parental Messages:
Your feelings are okay.
Your feelings are nothing to be afraid of.
Your feelings matter.
The struggle for many of the parents I work with is where to set boundaries around big feelings. In other words, how do parents allow the expression of big feelings without allowing problematic behavior?
Many children lose control of their behavior when they are overwhelmed by their emotions. Toddlers are well-known for their inability to handle big feelings. You might see a toddler scream, cry, throw things, hit, or bite. Teenagers also often become overwhelmed by emotion. Here we are more likely to see verbal outbursts or self-isolation.
A rule of thumb I like to keep in mind is to put a boundary around behaviors that are intended to harm, intimidate, or belittle you or someone else. Here are some examples:
Name-calling or insults
Threats
Physical aggression
Intentional public embarrassment
Attempts to restrain or block you from moving
When we do not allow our children to threaten us, insult us, or hurt us, we are sending these Hidden Parental Messages:
I can have boundaries, and so can you.
It’s not okay to hurt other people, even when we feel upset.
You can expect others to treat you respectfully.
Where this gets tricky: many parents struggle to allow themselves to experience all of their feelings, so it becomes very difficult to allow their child to experience all of their feelings. If this resonates with you, here are some questions to reflect on as a starting point:
What feelings am I okay with?
What feelings are overwhelming to me?
How do I respond to my own feelings when they arise?
What feelings was I allowed to express as a child?
This is great food for thought, although it may feel very challenging.
Thinking about parenting in this way frequently brings up feelings of inadequacy, fear, shame, or self-judgment. Remember this: We cannot shame ourselves into change; we can only love ourselves into evolution. What would it look like to love yourself while you learn and grow?
