How do I know whether my child is being bullied?
“Making the decision to have a child - it is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ” - Elizabeth Stone
Nothing brings out the “mama bear” in a person like the fear that their child is being bullied. Rightfully so - protecting your child is an important job!
However, it is important to know that peer conflict is extremely common and even developmentally appropriate. Although they may not be fun, most conflicts between children do not involve bullying, and they can actually be a great opportunity for practicing problem-solving.
Consider these examples-
Elise comes home from a birthday party crying because she got in a fight with her best friend. In the heat of the moment, her best friend called her a rude name. Has Elise been bullied?
Brittany gets a call from her son’s school because her son was involved in a scuffle during 4th grade recess. During a game of flag football, another student got too excited and tackled her son, who responded by throwing some kicks and punches. Was Brittany’s son being bullied?
Aniston is frustrated because a boy in her karate class tends to interrupt others and has a hard time waiting his turn. Is this student the karate class bully?
It may surprise you to hear that there is probably no bullying going on in any of these situations - just common kid-t0-kid conflicts.
As a parent, it is important to know the difference between conflict and bullying. Here are some signs to look out for:
Bullying:
One-sided emotional or physical harm that happens repeatedly over time
A power imbalance exists - for example, the child doing the bullying is older, bigger, or has more social status
Goal is to harm, hurt, and humiliate
Conflict:
A disagreement between two children of equal social status, size, age, etc.
An exchange, a “back and forth”
Isolated incidents
Spontaneous disagreements
How can you help your child through a peer conflict?
First, you might start with this classic line - “Do you want me to get involved, give you advice, or just listen?”
Think about how you can empower your child to tackle the situation. If you jump in to defend your child every time they disagree with someone else, they may have fewer opportunities to develop their voice.
Consider asking your child how they plan to solve the problem. If it sounds like your child is stuck, help brainstorm possible solutions and weigh the possible outcomes of each.
Make space for your child’s feelings - they may be sad, angry, etc., and that is okay. Try to avoid shutting their negative feelings down or distracting them. Validate their feelings and give them tools for coping instead.
Ask for help from your child’s teacher or counselor if needed. For example, they may be able to facilitate mediation for your child.
What should you do if your child is being bullied?
Take it seriously and intervene immediately - true bullying is incredibly serious.
Consider setting up a meeting with your child’s teacher or principal. If you choose to meet with the school, you should be prepared to:
Review the anti-bullying policies for your child’s school and bring them to the meeting.
Give concrete and specific examples of what is happening. Avoid labeling or insulting the other child or family, or asking for specific details on the other child. (Your child’s school legally cannot discuss other children with you.)
Keep the focus on how your child will be protected. Ask for a specific safety plan in writing with details about how the behavior will be prevented.
Work with your child to develop strategies to protect themselves, such as finding safe adults or peers to spend time with.
Check in with your child frequently and follow up with the school.
How can you prepare your child for bullying and conflict?
Your child’s life will undoubtedly involve:
Dealing with people they cannot stand
Experiencing or at least witnessing bullying
Getting into conflicts with people they care about
You can’t prepare your child for every single situation they will face, but you can have many important conversations with them that will help equip them to deal with these scenarios. Try discussing questions like:
What can you do if you disagree with someone else?
How do you solve a problem with your best friend?
What does it sound like to set a boundary and how do you know when a boundary is needed?
How do you know when playtime is getting out of control, and what should you do about it?
How do you know when it’s time to ask for help from an adult?
What is the difference between a “normal” argument and bullying? What do you do if you see someone else being bullied? What do you do if someone else is bullying you?
These family conversations can start young and unfold over many years. Consider using characters and situations in books, movies, and shows as a jumping off point for discussion. You can also ask your child for stories about their day that can generate conversation - “Were there any funny moments at school today? How about tricky moments?”
Remember, you are your child’s most important advocate and teacher. You are setting the stage for how your child understands and responds to conflict. It might feel messy, imperfect, and even painful at times. Know that you’ve got this, and so does your child.
