How Do I Teach My Kids to Manage Their Big Feelings?
Any toddler parent can tell you that emotional regulation, or the ability to recognize, understand, and manage feelings, is not a skill that kids are born with - it develops over time.
In order to emotionally regulate, your child will need to be able to:
Recognize and identify their feelings
Recognize and identify the feelings of others
Accept their own emotions
Learn skills for managing their feelings
Gain the skill to express their feelings in an appropriate way
Empathize with others
Set boundaries
That’s a tall order for someone whose brain is still under construction!
Learning to manage big feelings is a lifelong process. Here are some tips for developing your child’s skills:
Start with awareness. Offer labels for your child’s feelings, and help them come up with labels of their own. “It looks like you’re feeling sad. Is that right?” Model identifying your own feelings, and start discussions about how others may be feeling at the park or in a book.
Send the message that all feelings are welcome. Here are a few go-to phrases: “All your feelings are okay with me.” “You can tell me how you really feel.” “You’re a good kid having a hard time.”
Model your own emotional regulation. Talk your kids through what strategies you use when you start to feel angry or upset. “I’m noticing that I’m feeling really frustrated right now! I’m going to set this timer for five minutes, and go take a quick break to take some deep breaths. You can play with your toys while I’m gone.”
Teach your child concrete skills for managing big feelings. Depending on the age of your child, consider teaching deep breathing, distraction, or mindfulness techniques. It’s important to teach these skills when your child is feeling calm and ready to learn.
Show your child what’s socially appropriate. Many of us grew up learning that there was no socially appropriate way to express feelings. Kids (and adults) who squash their feelings down often end up expressing them in unproductive ways. Try teaching your child how they can express their big feelings appropriately. Help them practice phrases like “I feel” and “I need.”
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