Your Solution for Defiance
“No” is a tricky word. You don’t want to eliminate it from your child’s vocabulary completely - after all, a well-practiced “no” will serve them well as they get older!
However, hearing “no” from a child can be a huge parental trigger. After all, it challenges our authority, disrupts our plans, and even evokes feelings of inadequacy or failure at times.
What’s a parent to do when their child throws out a “no”?
There are two answers:
Never ask more than twice, and always follow through with swift and decisive action. (Note - swift and decisive does not have to be mean or scary! It can even be loving and gentle.) Think to yourself - as the big, wise, strong adult, what can I take charge of here? Maybe you need to unplug the TV, grab your child’s hand and guide them over to you, or take away the toy the siblings are quarreling over. Whatever it is, don’t fall into the trap of pleading, cajoling, lecturing, or bargaining.
Focus on prevention. Play with your child one-on-one without distractions for at least 15 minutes daily. Keep snacks on hand. Prioritize a good night’s sleep. Give them a heads up when a transition is coming. Notice the things they do well. All of these strategies decrease the frequency of defiance.
If your child is really struggling to follow through on a request, here are some ideas:
Remove distractions (screens, toys, etc.)
Stand close to them (make sure your body language is gentle and supportive, not aggressive or domineering)
Break the task into a smaller part - instead of saying “Please clean your room”, start with “Please put your LEGOs into the basket.”
Offer gentle but firm physical assistance - hand over hand
Validate their experience - “This is hard, you’re right!”
Model the task for them
Use a visual cue or picture
Offer choices - “Do you want the red cup or the blue cup?”
Make it fun - turn on music, make it into a game, or use a silly voice
Interested in specific recommendations for your child?
