Why Does My Child With ADHD Seem So Oppositional?
Parenting a child with ADHD can be a challenge, especially when your child with ADHD seems to constantly oppose anything they are asked to do. Some days, it might seem like your child ignores or outright refuses every directive they are given. But why does your child with ADHD seem so oppositional?
The answer comes down to their brain.
ADHD is a neurological disorder, which means that it affects the brain. One important part of the brain that is impacted is the prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for executive function - planning, organizing, initiating, shifting, self-monitoring, and remembering.
A few ways that lagging executive function might show up:
Difficulty with transitions - your child may have a hard time shifting gears from one activity to another
Impulsivity - your child may struggle to think before acting
Frustration and impatience - your child may be working on managing their feelings and waiting their turn
Task avoidance - your child may avoid tasks that require sustained attention or effort
All of these developing skills can result in an abundance of “nos” and avoidance strategies.
To make matters more complicated, your child may have trouble processing verbal directions and paying attention to multiple sources of input. In other words, your child may not have heard or processed your direction in the first place.
Then there’s the impact of rejection sensitivity - children with ADHD are redirected so often that they often become intensely emotional in response to perceived rejection or failure. The cumulative effects of constant negative feedback can put children in an “uncaring place,” where they act defiant or apathetic as a way to protect themselves.
With all these challenges, how can parents get more cooperation out of their child with ADHD?
Focus on your relationship first. Research shows that relationships need more positive interactions than negative interactions to feel safe and secure (Gottman, 1990). However, parents of children with ADHD are often required to give a lot of feedback to keep their children on track. Focus on highlighting what your child is doing well, especially when it comes to the efforts that they make.
Use an extra nudge when giving important directions, and stick to one at a time. Put a loving hand on your child’s shoulder when giving an important direction, or write or draw the direction on a white board. Stick to one-step directions, or two for some older children.
Help them make transitions. Make your family routines as predictable and consistent as possible. Give advance warning of transitions, especially if it will be a difficult transition. Use visual timers to help them understand how much time they have left before switching tasks.
Remember their “executive age.” On average, children with ADHD have 30% less executive function than their same age peers (Barkley, 2020). For example, your 14 year old child’s ability to plan and execute chores may be developmentally closer to the ability of a 9 or 10 year old child. Keep this in mind when setting expectations for your child.
Solve problems collaboratively. If your direction does not involve a safety issue or basic family expectation, try acknowledging your child’s feelings and negotiating a solution that works for both of you.
Parenting a child with ADHD can take a great deal of patience and effort. Don’t forget to treat yourself with the same kindness and compassion that you would treat a good friend. No parent is perfect!
If you could use a supportive guide in the journey of parenting your child with ADHD, please don’t hesitate to schedule a complimentary consultation with Cultivation Parent Coaching and Consulting today.
