When Your Child Won’t Say “I’m Sorry”

We’ve all been there. Your kid has snatched someone else’s toy. The other child is crying, and now that you’ve crouched down to intervene, you’re being met with stony silence.

If you force an insincere apology, no one will get much out of it.

If you move on without an apology, you’ll normalize some behavior you’d rather not see, and the other child could be left feeling hurt.

What’s a parent to do?

First, reflect on your approach.

• Are you focused on teaching, or are you focused on making your child feel bad?

  • Teaching might sound like pulling your child aside to say privately, “I noticed that you took your friend’s toy without asking first. How do you think your friend is feeling? How do you think we should make things right?”

  • Shaming might sound like “Why did you take that toy without asking? That was really selfish. Can’t you see how upset your friend is? Why would you do that?”

• Are your expectations age-appropriate?

  • With all the pressure to be a perfect parent, we sometimes forget that some “embarrassing” behaviors are developmentally appropriate. For example, children under the age of four may struggle with sharing and taking turns because they are still learning to understand the perspectives of others.

Give some wait time.

• Many children need some time to process tricky problems, especially if the problem is causing feelings of frustration or sadness. Your child may need a few minutes to think before feeling ready to shift gears and apologize.

Try an alternative.

• See if your child would be willing to ask instead, “What can I do to make things better?” This simple switch can keep your kid focused on solutions, and may feel easier to say.

Finally, model the apology for them.

• If your child is really stuck, try this script: “I can see you’re having a hard time finding your ‘I’m sorry’ voice. It’s important for us to show kindness to our friends. I will help you.”

• Turn to your child’s friend and say, “I’m sorry for taking your toy. This was a problem because it wasn’t fair to you. Next time, I will ask before taking your toy. Can I do something to help you feel better?”

• By modeling the apology, you continue to demonstrate your family’s values, while also honoring the place your child is in. This action reinforces the idea that apologies and kindness come from within, rather than being forced upon us by adults.

When faced with a child who refuses to apologize, try to approach the situation with patience and compassion. Rather than resorting to coercion, take a moment to consider approaches that promote understanding and empathy. By offering support, you can help your child develop the skills and confidence to navigate social conflicts with grace.

For more parenting tips and guidance, book a complimentary coaching consultation with Cultivation Parent Coaching and Consulting today.