How do I know whether to value someone’s opinion on my parenting?
The holidays are here, and they are often accompanied by a deluge of outside opinions on parenting.
Your mother thinks you ought to be harder on your kids. Your husband thinks you should cut the kids some slack. Your great aunt Ruth suggests that a touch of the Christmas brandy on your baby’s gums will clear his teething pain right up. Meanwhile, your social media feed is filled with suggestions about how to gentle parent…and at this point, you aren’t feeling all that gentle.
How do you decide whether you value someone’s opinion on your parenting? Whose parenting advice should you take? What parenting advice can you release?
The answer is different for everyone, and that’s why it’s essential to define your parenting values.
Some parents value independence, while others value interdependence and connection. Some parents want their kids to participate in daily extracurriculars and achieve their Ivy League dreams, while others want their teenagers at the dinner table every night. Some parents want unquestioning obedience from their children, while others want their children to self-advocate and push boundaries. The list goes on, and within reason, there’s no “right” or “wrong” way to think about your parenting values.
Consider these examples:
Anna and Steve want to instill personal responsibility in their children. One day, their daughter forgets an important school paper at home. She calls to ask Anna to bring it to school. Anna politely declines, knowing that their daughter will experience the natural consequence of losing track of her belongings - an important lesson in personal responsibility.
Jessica and Joey want their children to experience connection above all else. When their son forgets his lunch at home, Joey brings it to school, knowing that this will help their son feel supported and connected.
In addition to family values, we can also consider high quality parenting research, the kind that can be found on Google Scholar.
Jessa is considering when to potty train her infant son. Many of her friends tell her to “wait until he’s ready” and “avoid pressuring him to go potty.” Jessa values emotional safety in parenting, and their advice seems well-aligned with this value. However, upon doing some research, Jessa finds that potty training at later ages is associated with more accidents and urinary tract dysfunction (Joinson, 2009). She decides to start potty training at 24 months and use a positive, encouraging approach.
Chelsea and Chris love adventure and nature, and want to share this love with their children. They decide they want to take a three-week whitewater rafting trip in the middle of the school year. Their friends tell them it’s a great idea, but their child’s teacher expresses concerns about the amount of missed school. Chelsea’s research finds that attendance matters for academic outcomes, and that children’s learning tends to suffer if they miss more than 10% of school days. Knowing that their daughter is currently behind in reading, they decide to reschedule the trip for summer.
So, what does this mean for Thanksgiving dinner? The next time someone offers you parenting advice, consider these questions:
What are my parenting values? Do their tips align with my values?
Does their advice follow the latest parenting research?
If the answer to these questions is no, it may be wise to let their advice go. Keep these lines in your back pocket - “Thanks so much for the idea. Definitely something to think about.” “Thanks for giving us something to think about. I’ll consult our pediatrician about that.” “I appreciate your concern. I’m comfortable with the choices we’re making for now.”
If the answer to both questions is yes, then you’ve discovered an opportunity to learn and grow. What a gift!
