Permissive Parenting, Authoritative Parenting, Authoritarian Parenting…Oh My!
There is a great deal of talk these days about parenting styles, particularly the following three:
Permissive Parenting:
Low expectations, few rules, lack of structure
Warm, nurturing approach
Minimal demands on the child
Authoritative Parenting:
Clear expectations
Loving relationships
Firm but fair boundaries
Authoritarian Parenting:
High expectations with punitive discipline
Low warmth and affection
Research shows that authoritative parenting is linked to positive outcomes for children, including higher self-esteem, academic success, and the ability to form healthy attachments (Hayek et al., 2022). In contrast, both permissive and authoritarian parenting styles can lead to challenging behaviors in children (Amran & Basri, 2020).
However, labeling ourselves as parents in this way often causes feelings of shame and stress rather than empowerment. After all, who can be an authoritative parent 100% of the time?
I prefer to view parenting styles as a spectrum of choices we can make in any given moment. With each interaction, you can choose to respond in a permissive, authoritative, or authoritarian way, aiming for a balanced approach.
For example, let’s say your child begins to run around a restaurant while you’re eating dinner. What might you do?
You could continue eating and make halfhearted attempts to call them back over - permissive.
You could stand up, take their hand, and gently but firmly guide them back to the table while explaining the social expectations of a restaurant - authoritative.
You could yell at your child to stop, pick them up, and buckle them into a high chair - authoritarian.
Imagine you’ve asked your child to turn off his video games, and he has ignored you.
You could plead with him a few more times to turn it off, maybe offering a bribe - permissive.
You could turn off the video game for him and help him process the emotions that follow - authoritative.
You can scream at him that he won’t play his games for a week and take away the gaming system - authoritarian.
There may be times when you lean permissive—perhaps you want to foster your child's independence and allow them to choose their own school outfit, even if it looks a bit silly. That choice might be fine for you, while another parent who values appearance might not make the same decision.
Conversely, there will be moments when you lean authoritarian, such as when your toddler runs toward a busy road. In that case, no one would fault you for raising your voice and chasing after them.
If you aim for authoritative parenting most of the time and strive to avoid being “mean, weak, or absent,” your child will likely feel connected and supported. Remember, no parent is perfect, and every interaction offers an opportunity for growth.
